Medium Fast Hobbler (or Keep on Running?)

I am not doing well with this blogging or my running.

After last Sunday's 20 miles I thought I was on the right track but this week has proved otherwise.
On Tuesday I did 8 miles but not that fast. Then I missed a day and on Thursday I did 9 miles, a bit quicker but not great and then only 5 miles on Friday.

On Saturday I missed a day again and on Sunday instead of running I went to the gym instead. I didn't do great there either, only 45 minutes on the exercise bike and when I tried the cross trainer my leg made me give up after a couple of minutes.

I decided to start this week off right by doing the long run I should have done on Sunday today. I couldn't do it yesterday because I was working. I ate loads of pasta last night and got up early and had porridge and sipped water till it was time to run. I had already left a water bottle 11 miles from home to use on the way back and had prepared all the clothes, shoes etc I needed for the run the night before. I left the house spot on 9 am.

Because of my calf strain it is always taking a while for my muscle to warm up and for me to run comfortably. In fact it takes about a mile till I am even running properly at all. The first mile is more like a medium fast hobble.

It was the same this time but after a mile I was running as normal as I ever do, but the pain was strong. I carried on running but tried to run on the grass verge as if was softer there. A little further I stopped to walk. This is never something I like doing especially this early in a run. Although I had applied Ibuprofen gel to my leg and strapped it up before setting off it just didn't feel right.

I started to run again hoping to get through the pain, but as you might have guessed I gave up.
After another mile or so I had to walk again and knew there was no way I could run 22 miles today. Or indeed any further. I turned around and limped home.

I am now, 6 hours later, feeling OK. The leg feels as good as has been lately and I am fine.
I am wondering however if my leg really did feel that bad this morning. Was the pain psychological? Did I just not want to run? Maybe I should have carried on through the pain.
I really don't know.

I am also wondering what I will to if this happens during the Marathon.
Will I give up so easily? Do I have the strength of character to continue through the pain?
Or is it stronger to admit defeat and give up gracefully?

Or is this all just self doubt as the race that I have been training for the last 20 weeks for is now nearly in sight?

Let's just take one day at a time and see if I manage to run tomorrow.